Townsville Twist

Tuesday, 13 March 2007

A Tale of Two Traffic Cones

I have to admit something. I have a cone fetish. No, not the geometric object, nor even a joint. I'm talking about traffic cones.

It all started late last year when we were driving home from the city after a night of getting wasted. Ahead on the road we spied a cone next to a big metal roadworks sign. We pulled over with brakes screeching, opened the door and snatched the cone up, effectively pulling off our very first conenapping. Further down the road we took another, before heading back to college with our new-found treasures. One we put on top of a sleeping friend's air conditioner. We had better plans for the other. Another friend who we know parties hard and had been out the same night was passed out cold on his bed. Another poor soul was lying on the floor. On the way to his room with cone #2, we found a little baby cone which we picked up as well. When we got inside, I pulled back the covers, gently placed the cone in the guy's arms and wrapped them both up in blankets. The baby cone we placed on the floor-dude's crotch.

Later that day I woke to a text message beeping: "I think I hooked up with a traffic cone last night!". He eventually found out it was me, and thus begun the Cone Collecting War, in which the participant to collect the most traffic cones by the end of the exam period won the respect and adoration of the people.

About a week later, myself and another friend went for a cruise. This cruise ended up being one of my most profitable escapades in terms of anecdotes, for we collected a staggering 38 cones, plus some construction flags that had been left next to the road. Imagine our terror as we approached the gatehouse of the university, the back of the car full to the roof with cones. However, we got through no questions asked. On return to the college, we did what any normal person would do with the cones - built people out of them.

All together we built four people - Conelia, Shaconea (as in Sharona), Conerad and Farmer Cones. Aren't they beautiful? Look at the detail! Conelia even has saggy bewbs!

You may well ask what befell of the remaining cones before the end of the exam period. Well, I freaked out. At 4am a few days later I figured it would be a great time to run out and stash the cones in the bushes. I had to do it in two lots since they were so heavy. The first lot went fine, as I'd suspected, there was nobody to be seen. However, on the second trip I was halfway across the road when suddenly a car came racing towards me, headlights at full beam. I literally ran and dived into the bushes to avoid being seen. The car continued past where I was and I breathed a sigh of relief. But then, it turned around. I was convinced it had seen me and so I wriggled further into the tall grass. But no, the car sped on past back the way it had come. I lay in the dirt for a minute afterwards, all I could say was "WHAT. THE. FUCK.". And so that was how I got rid of the cones.

It's not the end of the story though. This year upon my return to college, there was a leaking pipe in the quad and they had fenced off the area to students. Upon closer inspection I noticed something - On top of a star post was the head of someone very familiar - Conelia! And there on the ground was Conerad! I made a hasty escape back to my room so I could laugh loudly to myself. And that's when I decided it was time to expose the rest of the stash. There they all were, in the bushes just as I had left them months before. The same friend who had helped me 'liberate' them before helped me carry them down to my conenapping adversary's room. We placed them all around his front door and lawn and promptly ran off. The next morning I was greeted in many ways. "Very nice, but could you get rid of them?!" "Wow, that was the best thing I've seen in ages, good one!". Later that day, they were all gone, and yet I had not touched them. A day later I was walking past the maintenance guy's shed, when I spied a particularly familiar large stack of cones out the back. I'm glad I contributed something to the construction area of the college, but really I'm most surprised that I haven't been asked to leave yet. Again, I do things and go unpunished - I am unstoppable! But it has come at a price. I can never go anywhere now without my eyes widening and heart racing whenever I see a cone. Things came to a head over the holidays when I came across this beautiful piece of delectability. The hybrid cone - build of a traditional cone, height of the skinny poles we used to create the people's bodies. My mouth waters every time I pass it.

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