Townsville Twist

Monday, 2 June 2008

Loving Haters

First post in a year, scary. As many of you may or may not know, I am a regular poster on YouTube. Even though I will probably never reach the same plateau I did when I released the Spaghetti video, I still try to maintain the certain level of quirkyness which is expected of me. My latest video is of me reading romantic Bible passages with a tremendously swollen tongue, but that's another story.

The one thing I love about YouTube are comments. The everyday ones like "OMG ur so funni lol xx XDXDXDXDXD" kinda get boring after a while, because the only thing I can say back is "You're a retard whose grammar will turn around and bit you in the arse as soon as someone disables spellcheck, but thanks for watching". The comments I really hang out for are from haters:

"fucking stupid bitch why would you do something so dam stupid. Oh of corse only a dumb ass female would attempt that stupid shit you dumb shit!"

Mmm, delicious. These people have nothing better to do than troll YouTube and try to rip the shit out of every video they see. Luckily, I have nothing better to do than to antagonise them and remind them that the Internet is for serious business. I've devised a few simple methods of replying to these lovely contributing members of society which I thought I'd share with you all in case you become victims of their bitter, lonely tears. Keep in mind that these examples are in no way my finest, although they were all successful in stopping the onslaught. It's 2am and I'm not dead inside enough to be bothered searching through every video I have.

1) Be a grammar nazi. Either rip them apart for writing like a 2 year old retard with no hands or congratulate them on being one of the few of these savages who can actually spell correctly.

Example 1.
Hater: In your nose or your mouth, it's still making you fatter - how many fucking times do you do this trick a day you whale!?
Me: A hater who can actually use correct grammar and spelling! 5 stars, feel free to comment on any of my other videos. Eat a dick, and have a nice day!

Example 2.
Hater: SO DISCUSTING.. teh moest discusting "Girl" i have evr seene.
Me: At least you spelt girl right, although you've incorrectly put it as a personal pronoun. Good effort! Thanks for playing!

2) Look at their profile. You are more than likely to find something incriminating. It's hard to have the heart to fight back when someone points out that the only videos you've posted are ones of you taking the plastic wrapper off the new WOW expansion. Also if they're young and naive you might want to be a little more gentle *cough*condescending*cough* in your reply.

Example 1.
Hater: k dude or dudet r u a girl or a guy u must no. don't give me tat krapt saying i live in a box my hole life u have to no HAVEN'T U WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND U LOOK DOWN R U A GIRL OR A BOY U MUST NO THEN HOW DO YA GO TO THE WASHROOM. do u even have any freinds he she?
Me: Cupcake, you like Hannah Montana, I should be asking you the same question.

3) Turn the joke on them. Playing on stereotypes is always fun, and the wonderful thing about stereotypes is that they can often be dead on.

Example 1.
Hater: lawl ur vid is so shit i bet i cud make a better 1 fuckin fag loving cocksucker
Me: I think your mum just made you some cookies, time to get out of the basement junior. You, er, might want to change your jocks first though.
Hater: fuk off im 15 she doesnt make me cookies nemore n she knowz if im in the basment not to desturb me.

Example 2.
Hater: i spent 1 hour loading dis page n it was fuckin shit i want my life bak u fat lonly bitch
Me: It's a 30 second video and it took an hour to load? Are you on dialup/retarded?
Hater: yer faggpt.... y?
Me: 'Nuff said.

4) Antagonise, let them think they've won, sit back and enjoy the lulz. This is one of the only ways to truly defeat them. Everyone loves a good argument, but when it's only with yourself you feel kinda hollow afterwards.

Example 1.
Hater: u r soooo fat n ugly i hope u die of aids o wait u'll never get laid to get it lol BICTH
Me: Well you can suck my fat cock you lifeless piece of shit. I hope you get cancer and die in a fire at the same time.
Hater: ur such a reatard lol. im not gay ur the fag here
Hater (1 day later): u didnt deny it lol ur a fag 4 shore
Hater (2 days later): haha i told u so i bet u died in a fire so now u cant deny it
Hater (4 days later): looks like im write and ur wrong fag, ur not gonna say nething?
Hater (5 days later): lol i rule
Hater (7 days later): come back fag i dare u
Hater (8 days later): fuk u........ y dont u say nething?
Me: (quietly hovering in my roflcopter behind the scenes)

At the end of the day these people may be the scum of the interblags, but we must remember that while we look upon them with disgust, they're probably the ones who are dumb enough to initially buy the porn we can then enjoy free thanks to filesharing. God bless haters!

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