Highlights of DC Semester 1 2007

Welcome DC nerds! Yes, I have run out material to write about to the extent that I will now cut and paste all the best quotes I have collected from DC this semester so far. Apologies for most of them involving me, but I'm too fucking funny and I had to be around to collect them anyway. Deal. I've submitted a few of these to Bash.org but alas, none were deemed good enough. I'm sure if we put our heads together we can do it eventually.

People, please keep in mind that these quotes are for the most part very very dirty, degrading and distasteful. Keep the kids locked up for this post.

bourkey: fuckers!!
blimpyboy: fuckee
bourkey: damn straight
bourkey: gettin pounded
Ebo: fuck u bourkey :P
Ebo: (tis TGG)
blimpyboy: zomg are you seckzing ebo?!
Ebo: lol
Wild-Cherokee: thats a yes
blimpyboy: no denial, it must be true :o
Ebo: that was yesterday silly
Ebo: i've moved on to her sister now
blimpyboy: :)
blimpyboy: hai five

Ebo: OMG HOT NAKED SHOWER TIME!!!
lws: ??
lws: most showers are hot and involve nakedness
Deadly_Dude: i touch myself
Deadly_Dude: lah lah
Deadly_Dude: :P
lws: though increasingly the trend is towards cold showers...
Ebo: yeah, well, I'm taking this one cold and clothed to be a rebel
lws: lolz
Ebo: or at least cold
lws: it reminds me of 'WARNING : DO NOT IRON CLOTHES WHILE ON BODY
Ebo: it's way too fucking hot
Ebo: ....I mean.... the weather, not ironing clothes while they're still on :S
Ebo: because I haven't done that, right?
Ebo: RIGHT?!

dutchezz: hmm i feel so much dirtier watching HD pron
dutchezz: too much detail
Deadly_Dude: yeah HD porn is shit
Deadly_Dude: get to see how dirty the sluts are more
Ebo: you can see the cocks better
Ebo: OMG SEXUAL CONFUSION :S
dutchezz: yeh.. cuz thats what porn movies are all about... cocks
Ebo: well, if I want to see the other stuff I can just look in the mirror
dutchezz: can i look in ur mirror too?
dutchezz: wait

Ebo: so like, Noni knocks on my door
Ebo: and asks for help with an assignment
Ebo: and I'm there, lip synching to need you tonight with a vegemite beard into a camera
Ebo: AWKWARD

corza: need to fill up my water bottle
Swf: i need to pee, kill 2 birds with one stone..?

Ebo: so....where are you my kittens?
GordoICEMAN: u were having sex with kittens?
GordoICEMAN: better not be ebo
Ebo: dude, don't knock it til you try it
GordoICEMAN: mitch will kill u
blimpyboy: yeah, those are HIS sex-kittens, you whore!
Zacmeister: well at least you weren't masturbating kittens Ebo
Ebo: but that would be awful
Ebo: remember, everytime a kitten masturbates, God kills a human
Zacmeister: and everytime God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills ten humans
Ebo: OMG
Ebo: what happens when Chuck Norris masturbates?
Ebo: ARMAGEDDON!!

nikki: did zacmiester and ebo just have sex?
Zacmeister: no
Ebo: yes
Ebo: I mean no

Swf: any1 wanna see wat trav touches himself over
Swf: april summers porno blooper!
Swf: well probably not, anyone who watches that goes limp str8 away
Ebo: "Whoops, I accidentally crapped all over you when you pulled out of my ass!!"
Ebo: My bad ^_^

Deadly_Dude: im eating chocolate
Ebo: whilst wanking?
Ebo: doesn't that get messy?
Deadly_Dude: a lil
Ebo: like you forget which hand and put your dick in your mouth instead?

Morbo : blimpyboy sets the topic to : Happy Zombie Jesus Day! --- Teegs though this one up ;)
Zacmeister: will Zombie Jesus eat our brains or our souls?
Ebo: Jesus has been stealing souls for the last 2000 years
Zacmeister: evil fucker

Bluck: i have an incredibily large penis
Scotty: that's funny
Scotty: bluck, you should do standup
Bluck: i do every thursday night
Ebo: yeah, he stands up and everyone just laughs
Scotty: lol
Bluck: wow nice come back ebo
Zacmeister: lmao
Bluck: ebo's mum made my penis stand up
Ebo: and she laughed, right?
Ebo: EB0WNED!!

Swf: get your medstudent friend to steal you a stillborn from the mortuary, put it in a paper bag, light it on fire, and watch them stomp it out, and the hilarity that entails...
npc: that wouldnt even work
Swf: what possible flaws do you see in my plan?
npc: if the bags already on fire, and their is no screaming from the apparently 'live' baby who is on fire, why would they be mortified for stepping on it
npc: instead they wouldn't even know what they had done
npc: just gone aww what did i step on
Swf: the baby was never mean to be alive, the mortification comes from the fact they have stomped on a dead baby, soupy pieces of which now cover their shoes and pants
Zacmeister: or alternativly, you get a puppy, put it in a bag, light it on fire, get a person to step on it, and then shout 'OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED A PUPPY YOU SICK FUCK!'
npc: put a mime in a paper bag, set it on fire and when they step on it shout out "YOU KILLED A MIME, GOOD FOR YOU!!"

Ebo: I saw a horse the other day with the grossest cock
Zacmeister: ......okay
Ebo: all the skin was caked and cracked and ewwies
npc: so you gave it head?
Ebo: of course

Deadly_Dude: me so horney
Deadly_Dude: me love u long time
Deadly_Dude: oh wrong window...
Ebo: that's right DD, fuck me hard... oh yeah... almost there... OH YES!!... Pull it out, cum all over my face... YES! YES!!! YESSS!!! CUM IN MY EYES!!!! YEEEEEEEAAAAH!!!!
Ebo: oops, wrong window
npc: ebo, you scare me

Ebo: damn, I can disassemble most things
Ebo: fucked if I can get into this vibrator
Ebo: 10 minutes to undo a half cm screw
Ebo: they're tighter than an 8 year old
tachyon: ur taking apart a vibrator...why?
Ebo: I broke it
Scotty: i'm confused as to whether i should be amazed or disgusted
npc: [20:43] Ebo: fucked if I can get into this vibrator ITS MEANT TO GET INTO YOU
tachyon: you need to go see that boy of urs ebo :P
Ebo: I just did
Ebo: but this is to procrastinate
tachyon: uhh, right. leave you to it
npc: how many vibrators have you taken apart?
Ebo: this is my first time
Ebo: I'm being gentle
Scotty: ...
lws-t: ebo just lost her vibrator-disassembly cherry
lws-t: don't worry, you have plenty of cherries left...
Ebo: SUCCESSS!!!!!!!
Ebo: I FIXED IT!!!!
Scotty: AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
Ebo: I have no idea what I did, but it works now
npc: ebo's happy again
npc: happier even more in a couple of mins
Ebo: seriously though, vibrators are kind of meh unless you're with someone else
Ebo: the most fun you can have with one alone is to put it on a table and have it vibrate all over the place while you try to set up dominoes
lws-t: ROFL
blimpyboy: ...
tachyon: lols

Ebo: I was mid-shag and a friend knocked on my door to get her ps2 back
Ebo: AWKWARD
blimpyboy: why would you answer the door?
Ebo: she was in a hurry
Ebo: I was like, come in and join the party
Ebo: she ran away crying
Ebo: it was awesome

And because Zac requested it especially even though it's meh, here's one more. I have to keep him happy, he's the only one of you bastards that plays Helbreath with me.

Zacmeister: *Silently puts Giant Clown Wig on Fergo's head*

I am better than my Tutors.

James Cook University is world-renowned as one of the top universities in the world for Marine Biology - precisely why I'm here. So far, the course has been fairly good. Sometimes disorganised, but mostly good. The only thing that bugs me are the tutors for the practical components of our subjects. For the most part, they suck.

A few weeks ago, we were looking at a dissected squid and fish. The task we were given involved drawing up a table of differences between the two in 100 words. For starters, this is retarded, because these two animals are so goddamn different you could write forever about it. And then it happened:

"And while fish reproduce externally, squid give birth to live young."

My bullshit detector went off straight away but I didn't say anything, because, hell, if these suckers want to lose marks by writing complete crap that's fine with me. I got busy that evening making sure I was right - and I was. Squid lay eggs, like every other damn cephalopod. So I kicked up a bit of shit by emailing the co-ordinators about it and got the tutors in trouble. Fun fun. Then on my assignment I added a smug little footnote about them being wrong. Man I love being smart.

A week later our assignments were available for collection. Mine was filled with wonderful little comments like this:




I thought about emailing the co-ordinators and telling them what unprofessional hooligans they were being represented by.... but I was laughing too hard. Fuck me if I can't take a joke.

Have you been Touched?

If you've never heard of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you probably haven't spent enough time on the net. Basically it's a parody religion first established during the Intelligent Design debate of 2005 and argues that there are multiple theories of ID. One theory is that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the world (beginning with mountains, trees and a midget). Since this theory and that of God doing it all have pretty much the same evidence to support them (i.e. none) it is only fair that FSMism should be taught alongside ID in schools.

Pastafarianism, as it is called, was extremely well-recieved among the public and has been accepted by many, probably because its version of heaven has a beer volcano and stripper factory. As a firm believer in the power of science, I accepted the FSM into my daily life and encourage others to be Touched by His Noodly Appendage by preaching the good word when I'm outrageously drunk.

Being a science student, I have to attend practical classes during which I have to wear a lab coat. I've been looking for something to put on the back of my lab coat for a while now, and finally made up my mind today.


For more information on His Noodliness, go here.

Seamus slapped my nice arse

No, I'm not revealing anything about what happened that fuzzy night after the last exam, I am merely reciting a mnemonic I use to remember the metamorphic progression of shale.

And alas, for it is probably the last time I'll ever have to use it - I'm no longer doing geology. It was one of the most influential subjects I've ever taken and I'm so glad I did it. It breaks my heart to leave behind my dear lecturer, Blenky Boy, with whom I have such fond memories. Who could forget the overnight field trip we went on together? The starry skies watched over by the luminous moon... the campfire that burned like the love in our souls... the columnar joints in the igneous rock and its delicious plagioclase phenocrysts... And who could forget how sexy he looked in this kid's camp chair?

That pose is totally turning me on.

As our love blossomed over the semester, I learned so many valuable things, like the cleavages and hardness of... hee hee... minerals. We dined on sedimentary rocks together, and on one special occasion, he rubbed his own saliva all over the rock I was studying so its features would come out. He was a man of many talents - so many desirable talents.

And when he spoke about tectonic plates I could feel my world shaking, vibrant and alive! Together we explored the mysterious trenches, scaled the highest peaks and rejoiced with the erupting behemoth volcanoes. And even though his arm was cradled in plaster, he had no shame in wiggling his noodle with it to demonstrate the P- and S- waves that so rocked my world.

In secret, we met under the canopy of green life to discuss the finer points of microgranodiorite, swathed in soft sunlight beside the restfully gurgling stream...

If it weren't for you, my sweet Blenky Boy, I would never have been able to get a high distinction in geology... Well, maybe the completed pracs and exams passed down from a second year helped a little bit.

Got Dead People?

Today for geology we got a new lecturer who was a little more enthusiastic than the last one. I was almost sad to see the old one go, because he was very... 'quaint' is really the definition of his character. In farewelling him we let go of the geologist stereotype:

It's not all bad news, however. Let me run through the way in which he opened his lecture on mineralogy. All pictures are pretty accurate to what he put on the board.

Lecturer: Okay, so let's say you die. Everyone dies, calm down, it's gonna happen one day. We bury you in your little box in a nice little graveyard.



You're sitting there, quite happily decomposing. Now, what are the most common elements in the human body?

Me: OMG loiek Carbon, oxygen, nitrogen and hydrogen!!!!!!! LOLZ!

Lecturer: (with an aside of 'Emily, you rule so much, see me after class naked') Right! Now let's say it's a few million years down the track. You've been covered in a few kilometres of sediment and ocean and stuff. By this stage there's not really much left of you apart from a few squashed pockets of carbon


Then, OH NO! HERE COMES A SUBDUCTION ZONE!

Now your remains are pretty far down where the pressure is immense, so what are you made of?

(Silence)

Lecturer: Okay, who has a dimond ring here?

(A few hands go up)

Lecturer: OH MY GOD YOU'RE WEARING DEAD PEOPLE!

He was still laughing in our prac a few hours later. It's always nice to see somebody being passionate - this guy was really getting his rocks off...on rocks.