The worst time to sober up

Imagine your friend suddenly springs into your room, crying and sobbing that her boyfriend of two years has, for no apparent reason, decided not to pursue the relationship anymore. What are your options?

a) Tissues, chocolate and some romantic comedy that you yell at everytime someone says 'I'll love you forever" - "YOU LIAR!!!!!"

b) Bake muffins. LOTS of muffins.

c) Tell her how fantastic it is that she's free now (i.e. suicide).

d) Get another friend over, have a few drinks and put on all her sexy lingerie that she won't need anymore and go prancing around the university.

Yeah... we picked d.

Now, try to imagine what ran through my head when I sobered up and realised that I was a long way from home, wearing nothing except a corset, undies that said "It doesn't count if you don't get caught", fish net stockings, a broken pair of handcuffs clamped around one wrist and a vibrator in my other hand. You guessed it: "..........................................oh fuck".

The funny thing was that she was still upset in the morning. I mean, did we not do our best to cheer her up? On another interesting note, would you call this a man or a woman? We still don't know.

Wiggly Worries

A couple of years ago a friend bought me a vibrator for a joke. It came from some weird online store and when it arrived looked equally weird. Honest to God, instead of throbbing veins and the usual designs, the shaft has the image of some zombie chick set in it. A blue zombie chick.

And of course, why stop there? Why not have a bear-shaped tickler dry humping the blue zombie chick?


Really, it's kinda too freaky to use. I usually whip it out at parties and we watch it flop all over the table. Good clean fun. Hilarious to watch. Until you leave some dodgey batteries in it for a while and it stops working.

In sooth, it's been broken for probably over a year now, stowed in the back of a cupboard somewhere. I had a lot of uni work to do after the lecture recess and needed to procrastinate so what better way to do it than to fix the vibrator?

Now, I can disassemble most things. VCR's, scuba regulators, study plans, but man oh man I have never had so much trouble as unscrewing the battery cap on this bastard. It took me almost 15 minutes to undo two half-centimetre screws. The entire time I was talking on our college hub, yielding fantastic lines like "fucked if I can get into this vibrator" to which someone very wittily replied "aren't they supposed to get into you?" and "that's tighter than an 8 year old". You know, standard sex-deprived computer geek conversation.


Under the battery plate thing I found a little circuit board which the buttons attached to. At this stage the only evidence for the device malfunctioning were the battery contacts which were corroded as hell, assuming hell is highly corroded.



NPC: how many vibrators have you taken apart?
Me: this is my first time
Me: I'm being gentle

Since everything else looked fine, I proceeded to scrape the blueish crud off the contacts with my trusty screwdriver. I put the batteries in. It didn't work. I took the batteries out. I looked at it for a while. I put the batteries back in. IT WORKED!!

So if you find yourself with a vibrator that has seen better days, give it a wash and bring it in to me. If I look puzzled at it for more than five minutes and it still doesn't work, you get your money back.



Me: seriously though, vibrators are kind of meh unless you're with someone else
Me: the most fun you can have with one alone is to put it on a table and have it vibrate all over the place while you try to set up dominoes