Gender Challenged

This may come as a shock to some people, but for the most part the Internet is full of braindead moronic retards. Take a few deep breaths if you want, it's big news. This is going to be another "Ebo encounters dickheads on YouTube" story, my apologies for the similarity to my previous post, but this one just has to be put out there.

I am called a lot of things everyday on that wonderful website and I love every moment of it, except for one little aspect that makes me actually concerned for the human race. The worrying thing about it is that it's the most commonly posted comment on my videos. Now presenting a selection of confused young men who have probably never ventured far enough out of their parents' basement to figure out what a girl actually looks like:

"hey asemonyo i gotta question are you a guy or girl , you look like a guy and sound like a girl what the fuck are ya, and learn how to talk right you piecfe of shit fucku r an ugly u k bitch"

"are you a guy or girl jeez"

"Are you a girl or a boy that has long hair?"

"umm..hmm..is this person a guy or girl?."

"Is that a girl or a guy...?"

"ru a gal or guy?lol"

"are you a dude or girl?"

"r u a boy or girl?"

"are you a boy or a girl ?" "

uhh are you a girl or a boy"

"are u a girl or bye cause im not sure u look like a girl"

"are u a guy or a girl ?????"

"boy or girl?"

"wow your an idiot i gotta question are you a guy or girl?"

And my favourite two comments of all time:

Retard 1: FUCK U AMERICAN PIG
Retard 2: hes australian dickwad!

My standard reply is "I have a clitoris-sized penis, internalised testicles and boobs. I reproduce through parthenogenesis, it's a beautiful thing" which usually shuts them up.

Now, I know I'm not the girliest girl in the world, and I think we proved that I'm totally hot as either a guy or a girl (see the Emilio RSVP experiment post) but they ARE missing one really obvious giveaway:

OMG BEWBS!
To be completely fair I don't exactly do that in my videos, but it's kinda hard to confuse those with moobs.

On another note, now that blogspot is hosting this image I can just refer people to its url when I am propositioned with "TITS OR GTFO".

Loving Haters

First post in a year, scary. As many of you may or may not know, I am a regular poster on YouTube. Even though I will probably never reach the same plateau I did when I released the Spaghetti video, I still try to maintain the certain level of quirkyness which is expected of me. My latest video is of me reading romantic Bible passages with a tremendously swollen tongue, but that's another story.

The one thing I love about YouTube are comments. The everyday ones like "OMG ur so funni lol xx XDXDXDXDXD" kinda get boring after a while, because the only thing I can say back is "You're a retard whose grammar will turn around and bit you in the arse as soon as someone disables spellcheck, but thanks for watching". The comments I really hang out for are from haters:

"fucking stupid bitch why would you do something so dam stupid. Oh of corse only a dumb ass female would attempt that stupid shit you dumb shit!"

Mmm, delicious. These people have nothing better to do than troll YouTube and try to rip the shit out of every video they see. Luckily, I have nothing better to do than to antagonise them and remind them that the Internet is for serious business. I've devised a few simple methods of replying to these lovely contributing members of society which I thought I'd share with you all in case you become victims of their bitter, lonely tears. Keep in mind that these examples are in no way my finest, although they were all successful in stopping the onslaught. It's 2am and I'm not dead inside enough to be bothered searching through every video I have.

1) Be a grammar nazi. Either rip them apart for writing like a 2 year old retard with no hands or congratulate them on being one of the few of these savages who can actually spell correctly.

Example 1.
Hater: In your nose or your mouth, it's still making you fatter - how many fucking times do you do this trick a day you whale!?
Me: A hater who can actually use correct grammar and spelling! 5 stars, feel free to comment on any of my other videos. Eat a dick, and have a nice day!

Example 2.
Hater: SO DISCUSTING.. teh moest discusting "Girl" i have evr seene.
Me: At least you spelt girl right, although you've incorrectly put it as a personal pronoun. Good effort! Thanks for playing!

2) Look at their profile. You are more than likely to find something incriminating. It's hard to have the heart to fight back when someone points out that the only videos you've posted are ones of you taking the plastic wrapper off the new WOW expansion. Also if they're young and naive you might want to be a little more gentle *cough*condescending*cough* in your reply.

Example 1.
Hater: k dude or dudet r u a girl or a guy u must no. don't give me tat krapt saying i live in a box my hole life u have to no HAVEN'T U WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND U LOOK DOWN R U A GIRL OR A BOY U MUST NO THEN HOW DO YA GO TO THE WASHROOM. do u even have any freinds he she?
Me: Cupcake, you like Hannah Montana, I should be asking you the same question.

3) Turn the joke on them. Playing on stereotypes is always fun, and the wonderful thing about stereotypes is that they can often be dead on.

Example 1.
Hater: lawl ur vid is so shit i bet i cud make a better 1 fuckin fag loving cocksucker
Me: I think your mum just made you some cookies, time to get out of the basement junior. You, er, might want to change your jocks first though.
Hater: fuk off im 15 she doesnt make me cookies nemore n she knowz if im in the basment not to desturb me.

Example 2.
Hater: i spent 1 hour loading dis page n it was fuckin shit i want my life bak u fat lonly bitch
Me: It's a 30 second video and it took an hour to load? Are you on dialup/retarded?
Hater: yer faggpt.... y?
Me: 'Nuff said.

4) Antagonise, let them think they've won, sit back and enjoy the lulz. This is one of the only ways to truly defeat them. Everyone loves a good argument, but when it's only with yourself you feel kinda hollow afterwards.

Example 1.
Hater: u r soooo fat n ugly i hope u die of aids o wait u'll never get laid to get it lol BICTH
Me: Well you can suck my fat cock you lifeless piece of shit. I hope you get cancer and die in a fire at the same time.
Hater: ur such a reatard lol. im not gay ur the fag here
Hater (1 day later): u didnt deny it lol ur a fag 4 shore
Hater (2 days later): haha i told u so i bet u died in a fire so now u cant deny it
Hater (4 days later): looks like im write and ur wrong fag, ur not gonna say nething?
Hater (5 days later): lol i rule
Hater (7 days later): come back fag i dare u
Hater (8 days later): fuk u........ y dont u say nething?
Me: (quietly hovering in my roflcopter behind the scenes)

At the end of the day these people may be the scum of the interblags, but we must remember that while we look upon them with disgust, they're probably the ones who are dumb enough to initially buy the porn we can then enjoy free thanks to filesharing. God bless haters!

The worst time to sober up

Imagine your friend suddenly springs into your room, crying and sobbing that her boyfriend of two years has, for no apparent reason, decided not to pursue the relationship anymore. What are your options?

a) Tissues, chocolate and some romantic comedy that you yell at everytime someone says 'I'll love you forever" - "YOU LIAR!!!!!"

b) Bake muffins. LOTS of muffins.

c) Tell her how fantastic it is that she's free now (i.e. suicide).

d) Get another friend over, have a few drinks and put on all her sexy lingerie that she won't need anymore and go prancing around the university.

Yeah... we picked d.

Now, try to imagine what ran through my head when I sobered up and realised that I was a long way from home, wearing nothing except a corset, undies that said "It doesn't count if you don't get caught", fish net stockings, a broken pair of handcuffs clamped around one wrist and a vibrator in my other hand. You guessed it: "..........................................oh fuck".

The funny thing was that she was still upset in the morning. I mean, did we not do our best to cheer her up? On another interesting note, would you call this a man or a woman? We still don't know.

My wonderful customers

As some of you may know, I worked pretty much full time as a checkout chick in 2005. It was probably the best year of my life so far. Well, in some aspects - I got to go diving whenever I wanted and not live in a total hole live Townsville.

However, there was a dark side to 2005. I had evil customers. And oh man, they made my world go round. You think the nice regulars make your job more fun? Nope. It's the bitches that whine about the tiniest things, the people that continuously ask for obscure items to be ordered in that nobody else wants, the dicks that try to steal stuff from right under your nose painfully obviously that make the job worth it. So now I share with you some of the short stories I gathered over my year of being a checkout chick, because everyone knows, retail stories are the best because you get to roffle at stupid people! These are taken from an old old blog, so sorry to those who've already read them. There will be a few posts like this to come.

"Since I'm in the mood, I thought I'd enlighten you peeps on some more stupid things my customers do. Starting with that retarded chick who lives on coke and ciggies I wrote about last time...

The retarded chick came into the shop with her retarded boyfriend, who seems incapable of shaving the patch under his nose, and headed up to the juice fridge like they always do because the bloke lives on OJ. I suppose this is a slightly more healthy alternative to coke and ciggies. They come to my register and put two OJ bottles on my counter (shock! horror!) and before anything else is said, the retarded chick suddenly bursts out and says, "WHY DOESN'T THE HEAD FALL OFF?!" I was a little perturbed by this (that's "Most perturbatory..." to Ryan and "Curious" to Louise) and asked what she meant. She replied with the slightly more sensical "Why doesn't your head fall off?" so I simply said "Because it's sewn on real good". Lame I know, but it shut her up.

When you walk away from your register and leave it unattended, you lock the register itself using a highly sophisticated series of buttons and put up one of those "Sorry, this register is closed, piss off" signs. It never ceases to amaze me how many people will walked up to a closed register, clearly signed, and wait to be served for several minutes. No, that register's closed, read the sign, observe that there isn't anyone there waiting to serve you, see that you're the only one lining up there, go home, learn to read. Idiots.

Often, since our shelves are so higgledy-piggledy, someone will buy something and read the price off the tag beneath it, which isn't always the right tag. This happens especially when there are a lot of things on one shelf and the tags are all crammed together. It also happens that people read the tags above the item they want, not below, thus getting the price mixed up. So at least once a shift you'll get someone, usually men surprisingly, who will argue the toss about the price of something, saying that that wasn't the price on the shelf. It wastes my time, but I'm happy to do it, and race up to the shelf the item came from and discover, like always, that they've read the wrong label. Then I go back to inform them of their mistake and they accuse me personally of running a shop that couldn't organise a look out the window. Apparently that's easier than organising a look at a price tag.

On the subject on prices, you'll get a whole lot of people, mostly old ladies, who go through their own groceries and tell you exactly which items are on special and for how much. That's good and all that they can remember, but pointless since the new prices are in the system and scan in at the special rate. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

I don't know why, but some people like to work out their own change. They will hand me money and say "If I give you this amount, you can give me that amount in change!" and I'm all "Gee, thanks! I couldn't have possibly done that myself, or even with the inbuilt calculator in the register that does all the working out for me!" It gives me the squitters, especially that they treat me like a career woman in checkoutchickdom. NO! I HAVE DREAMS! ASPIRATIONS! Give me a chance, cruel world!!

People ask me to double bag stupid things. One woman is quoted as saying "I'll have a double bag please, as I'm doing a lot of walking and it'll make it lighter." Work that one out - one bag + bag and groceries < bag and groceries? I think not. This other woman in her thirties bought a packet of sanitary pads and asked for a double bag because it's so embarrassing to be seen carrying those down the street. Grow up, get over it. You're not the first person to ever have a period, let alone buy pads. God those people are a pain - I hope they get eaten by the whales they've helped kill."

That's all for today. Oh, and I drew this picture of hotness. If you want more, check out my deviantart page here.

It's time...

Hokkay, this is going to be tough to say but... I like Crocs.

For those of you who don't know Crocs are... where the HELL have you been? They're the Haviana, nay, the Birkenstock of 2005 and they're still going strong. Yeah yeah yeah I know they're hideously ugly and make grown men and women look like Smurfs with their bright colours and chunky appearance. But they are kinda comfy. And my feet are retarded so I can't wear thongs (they either fit and fall off or don't fit and stay on). Sadly I'm stuck with Crocs.

I bought my first pair in early 2006. They were the least gaudy colour I could find so I could get away with wearing them in public without people's eyes bleeding. I wore them constantly through that year, but slowly the gravelly dirt paths of James Cook University took their toll on my poor Crocs. They'd served me well, but maybe, just maybe, it was time to move on. To give you an idea of what made me decide this, look at this picture comparing a new croc to my old one.

When I sent that to some friends and family to assist in my decision, one friend (who may or may not want my babies) said I should cremate them, while my mother pointed out the fact that there were still a few big areas without holes.

I debated for what seemed like hours over colour. Should I go with something wild and bold? Or how about dark and moody? I ended up buying some new ones.... that were exactly the same colour as my old ones.

Now for the exciting bit! I found out that you can buy accessories for your Crocs now! They're little decoration things that you stick in the holes in the top of the shoe. It was a hard choice, but I ended up with a crab and a skull and crossbones. They're the tackiest bits of crap I've seen in a long time, apart from the fairy statuette thing Noni broke in the hippy shop and almost had to pay $80 for.

So... do YOU like Crocs?

Newspapers are the same as plankton, right?

So there our second year biostatistics class was, filing into an early morning exam after staying up all night completing an assignment for a related marine biology subject. Those of use who had completed the summary online quizzes for biostats were very pleased, as most of the questions from the test had been lifted straight from them. Except for one rather odd exception. See if you can spot the same typo that made a lot of people crack up mid-exam.

"A researcher kept track of the number of diatoms eaten by fish animal each week over a seven week period. The results are shown below.

95, 38, 221, 122, 258, 237, 233

Find the median number of diatoms eaten."

All fair and good so far... apart from the "fish animal" part anyway. But what were our possible answers to this particularly easy question, you may well ask. Well, take a look for yourself:

A whatty what what? Newspapers?

Every day here makes me wonder whether James Cook is really all it's supposed to be...

Highlights of DC Semester 1 2007

Welcome DC nerds! Yes, I have run out material to write about to the extent that I will now cut and paste all the best quotes I have collected from DC this semester so far. Apologies for most of them involving me, but I'm too fucking funny and I had to be around to collect them anyway. Deal. I've submitted a few of these to Bash.org but alas, none were deemed good enough. I'm sure if we put our heads together we can do it eventually.

People, please keep in mind that these quotes are for the most part very very dirty, degrading and distasteful. Keep the kids locked up for this post.

bourkey: fuckers!!
blimpyboy: fuckee
bourkey: damn straight
bourkey: gettin pounded
Ebo: fuck u bourkey :P
Ebo: (tis TGG)
blimpyboy: zomg are you seckzing ebo?!
Ebo: lol
Wild-Cherokee: thats a yes
blimpyboy: no denial, it must be true :o
Ebo: that was yesterday silly
Ebo: i've moved on to her sister now
blimpyboy: :)
blimpyboy: hai five

Ebo: OMG HOT NAKED SHOWER TIME!!!
lws: ??
lws: most showers are hot and involve nakedness
Deadly_Dude: i touch myself
Deadly_Dude: lah lah
Deadly_Dude: :P
lws: though increasingly the trend is towards cold showers...
Ebo: yeah, well, I'm taking this one cold and clothed to be a rebel
lws: lolz
Ebo: or at least cold
lws: it reminds me of 'WARNING : DO NOT IRON CLOTHES WHILE ON BODY
Ebo: it's way too fucking hot
Ebo: ....I mean.... the weather, not ironing clothes while they're still on :S
Ebo: because I haven't done that, right?
Ebo: RIGHT?!

dutchezz: hmm i feel so much dirtier watching HD pron
dutchezz: too much detail
Deadly_Dude: yeah HD porn is shit
Deadly_Dude: get to see how dirty the sluts are more
Ebo: you can see the cocks better
Ebo: OMG SEXUAL CONFUSION :S
dutchezz: yeh.. cuz thats what porn movies are all about... cocks
Ebo: well, if I want to see the other stuff I can just look in the mirror
dutchezz: can i look in ur mirror too?
dutchezz: wait

Ebo: so like, Noni knocks on my door
Ebo: and asks for help with an assignment
Ebo: and I'm there, lip synching to need you tonight with a vegemite beard into a camera
Ebo: AWKWARD

corza: need to fill up my water bottle
Swf: i need to pee, kill 2 birds with one stone..?

Ebo: so....where are you my kittens?
GordoICEMAN: u were having sex with kittens?
GordoICEMAN: better not be ebo
Ebo: dude, don't knock it til you try it
GordoICEMAN: mitch will kill u
blimpyboy: yeah, those are HIS sex-kittens, you whore!
Zacmeister: well at least you weren't masturbating kittens Ebo
Ebo: but that would be awful
Ebo: remember, everytime a kitten masturbates, God kills a human
Zacmeister: and everytime God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills ten humans
Ebo: OMG
Ebo: what happens when Chuck Norris masturbates?
Ebo: ARMAGEDDON!!

nikki: did zacmiester and ebo just have sex?
Zacmeister: no
Ebo: yes
Ebo: I mean no

Swf: any1 wanna see wat trav touches himself over
Swf: april summers porno blooper!
Swf: well probably not, anyone who watches that goes limp str8 away
Ebo: "Whoops, I accidentally crapped all over you when you pulled out of my ass!!"
Ebo: My bad ^_^

Deadly_Dude: im eating chocolate
Ebo: whilst wanking?
Ebo: doesn't that get messy?
Deadly_Dude: a lil
Ebo: like you forget which hand and put your dick in your mouth instead?

Morbo : blimpyboy sets the topic to : Happy Zombie Jesus Day! --- Teegs though this one up ;)
Zacmeister: will Zombie Jesus eat our brains or our souls?
Ebo: Jesus has been stealing souls for the last 2000 years
Zacmeister: evil fucker

Bluck: i have an incredibily large penis
Scotty: that's funny
Scotty: bluck, you should do standup
Bluck: i do every thursday night
Ebo: yeah, he stands up and everyone just laughs
Scotty: lol
Bluck: wow nice come back ebo
Zacmeister: lmao
Bluck: ebo's mum made my penis stand up
Ebo: and she laughed, right?
Ebo: EB0WNED!!

Swf: get your medstudent friend to steal you a stillborn from the mortuary, put it in a paper bag, light it on fire, and watch them stomp it out, and the hilarity that entails...
npc: that wouldnt even work
Swf: what possible flaws do you see in my plan?
npc: if the bags already on fire, and their is no screaming from the apparently 'live' baby who is on fire, why would they be mortified for stepping on it
npc: instead they wouldn't even know what they had done
npc: just gone aww what did i step on
Swf: the baby was never mean to be alive, the mortification comes from the fact they have stomped on a dead baby, soupy pieces of which now cover their shoes and pants
Zacmeister: or alternativly, you get a puppy, put it in a bag, light it on fire, get a person to step on it, and then shout 'OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED A PUPPY YOU SICK FUCK!'
npc: put a mime in a paper bag, set it on fire and when they step on it shout out "YOU KILLED A MIME, GOOD FOR YOU!!"

Ebo: I saw a horse the other day with the grossest cock
Zacmeister: ......okay
Ebo: all the skin was caked and cracked and ewwies
npc: so you gave it head?
Ebo: of course

Deadly_Dude: me so horney
Deadly_Dude: me love u long time
Deadly_Dude: oh wrong window...
Ebo: that's right DD, fuck me hard... oh yeah... almost there... OH YES!!... Pull it out, cum all over my face... YES! YES!!! YESSS!!! CUM IN MY EYES!!!! YEEEEEEEAAAAH!!!!
Ebo: oops, wrong window
npc: ebo, you scare me

Ebo: damn, I can disassemble most things
Ebo: fucked if I can get into this vibrator
Ebo: 10 minutes to undo a half cm screw
Ebo: they're tighter than an 8 year old
tachyon: ur taking apart a vibrator...why?
Ebo: I broke it
Scotty: i'm confused as to whether i should be amazed or disgusted
npc: [20:43] Ebo: fucked if I can get into this vibrator ITS MEANT TO GET INTO YOU
tachyon: you need to go see that boy of urs ebo :P
Ebo: I just did
Ebo: but this is to procrastinate
tachyon: uhh, right. leave you to it
npc: how many vibrators have you taken apart?
Ebo: this is my first time
Ebo: I'm being gentle
Scotty: ...
lws-t: ebo just lost her vibrator-disassembly cherry
lws-t: don't worry, you have plenty of cherries left...
Ebo: SUCCESSS!!!!!!!
Ebo: I FIXED IT!!!!
Scotty: AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
Ebo: I have no idea what I did, but it works now
npc: ebo's happy again
npc: happier even more in a couple of mins
Ebo: seriously though, vibrators are kind of meh unless you're with someone else
Ebo: the most fun you can have with one alone is to put it on a table and have it vibrate all over the place while you try to set up dominoes
lws-t: ROFL
blimpyboy: ...
tachyon: lols

Ebo: I was mid-shag and a friend knocked on my door to get her ps2 back
Ebo: AWKWARD
blimpyboy: why would you answer the door?
Ebo: she was in a hurry
Ebo: I was like, come in and join the party
Ebo: she ran away crying
Ebo: it was awesome

And because Zac requested it especially even though it's meh, here's one more. I have to keep him happy, he's the only one of you bastards that plays Helbreath with me.

Zacmeister: *Silently puts Giant Clown Wig on Fergo's head*

Plankton take one for the team

A friend of mine recently got a brochure in the mail for a fantastic new nutrient drink. It's called FrequenSea and comes complete with marine phytoplankton!

I kid you not, it contains single-celled plants from the ocean. Delicious, especially considering some marine phytoplankton can produce toxins that lead to lovely things like diarrhetic shellfish and ciguatera poisoning, not to mention potent neurotoxins. But anyway, there's lots of them and they're plants right? Gotta be good for you.

Not only does FrequenSea have microscopic organisms, it also contains frankincense. No gold or myrrh unfortunately. I wondered what on earth frankincense could possibly contribute towards the drink's nutritional value, so I looked it up. Turns out it was used a lot back in the days of King Tut as makeup and dye, and in later times in aromatherapy. Oooh, makes perfect sense then. Frankincense away.


Another interesting addition is that of RNA. As any high school biologist would know, RNA is basically half a DNA strand, and there are trillions floating around in your body right now because they are found in cells and used for protein synthesis in EVERY LIVING THING. Sounds to me like somebody added it to the list to make it look like there was more useful stuff in it than there really is. Might as well add "Flagella" to the list, phytoplankton have those too!

Really though, I should give them credit for their advertising technique. They've used convincing and highly scientific statistics:

And here they state the long lives of planktivores:

AND YOU CAN TOO IF YOU JUST BUY THIS DRINK!!!!

But wait for it, then they tell you all about their plankton farming:

Sooo... basically they have no idea what they're actually culturing, they just breed 'em, toxic species and all! What's worrying is that they haven't provided a recommended daily intake of marine phytoplankton. What if I exceed it? Will I start photosynthesising? TELL ME!

I don't know if I want to buy this anymore... weeny toxic plants (some with protective plates made of glass), makeup, Noni juice (I have a friend called Noni, this ingredient is particularly disturbing to me)... It just doesn't sit right. What do you think?

Wiggly Worries

A couple of years ago a friend bought me a vibrator for a joke. It came from some weird online store and when it arrived looked equally weird. Honest to God, instead of throbbing veins and the usual designs, the shaft has the image of some zombie chick set in it. A blue zombie chick.

And of course, why stop there? Why not have a bear-shaped tickler dry humping the blue zombie chick?


Really, it's kinda too freaky to use. I usually whip it out at parties and we watch it flop all over the table. Good clean fun. Hilarious to watch. Until you leave some dodgey batteries in it for a while and it stops working.

In sooth, it's been broken for probably over a year now, stowed in the back of a cupboard somewhere. I had a lot of uni work to do after the lecture recess and needed to procrastinate so what better way to do it than to fix the vibrator?

Now, I can disassemble most things. VCR's, scuba regulators, study plans, but man oh man I have never had so much trouble as unscrewing the battery cap on this bastard. It took me almost 15 minutes to undo two half-centimetre screws. The entire time I was talking on our college hub, yielding fantastic lines like "fucked if I can get into this vibrator" to which someone very wittily replied "aren't they supposed to get into you?" and "that's tighter than an 8 year old". You know, standard sex-deprived computer geek conversation.


Under the battery plate thing I found a little circuit board which the buttons attached to. At this stage the only evidence for the device malfunctioning were the battery contacts which were corroded as hell, assuming hell is highly corroded.



NPC: how many vibrators have you taken apart?
Me: this is my first time
Me: I'm being gentle

Since everything else looked fine, I proceeded to scrape the blueish crud off the contacts with my trusty screwdriver. I put the batteries in. It didn't work. I took the batteries out. I looked at it for a while. I put the batteries back in. IT WORKED!!

So if you find yourself with a vibrator that has seen better days, give it a wash and bring it in to me. If I look puzzled at it for more than five minutes and it still doesn't work, you get your money back.



Me: seriously though, vibrators are kind of meh unless you're with someone else
Me: the most fun you can have with one alone is to put it on a table and have it vibrate all over the place while you try to set up dominoes

A Night to Remember

I'm a last-minute all-nighter person when it comes to doing assignments. That's the way things are and they're not going to change anytime soon. I'm thinking that I'm going to pay for it soon, but I'll worry about that later, maybe the night before.

Last year I did a really exciting report on osmoregulation. We had to stab crabs and suck out their fluids, then drip them on to a kaleidoscope thing that told us stuff. I'm pretty sure I slept through the prac so I can't really remember. Anyways, we had to write it up and hand it in. A couple of days before it was due I had to fly down to Sydney and back for a Pearl Jam concert (AWESOME) so I was insanely tired and couldn't be bothered to get started until about 2am the day it was due. Since I was so desperate to procrastinate, I wrote a diary of how the night went:

The picture's small and I doubt you could read my writing anyway so here's the text:

2:00am - Start actual assignment. Due in 12hrs.

2:03 am - Looked at the cool scar on my arm for 5 minutes.

2:06am - Realised if I combined the names of all my guy friends it made the rather ear-pleasing rhyme "Ryan-Dee-N-Me-N-Een".

2:46am - Wrote "Introduction". Yep, just the word.

2:52am - 32 words

3:15am - 100 words exactly! WOOOO!! (1/10 finished!)

3:30am - 125 words

3:40am - 192 words
4:04am - Wrote some emails to friends, 219 words (2/10 finished)

4:32am - Finished introduction - 430 words (WAY too long). Subtract words for references... 390... sweet!

5:07am - Finished results, Birds are singing

5:30am - Trivia for half an hour ^_^, 580 words

5:53am - 175 words of discussion down! 756 all up!

6:00am - Due in 8 hours, still doing discussion

6:12am - 902....

6:23am - ERGH!!! THE SUN!!! NOOOOO!!

6:36am - 1026! Now for the editing...

7:14am - FINISHED! ^_^

7:35am - Safe Assignment (plagiarism detector) doesn't catch me this time! Mwaha!

7:37am - Le sleep ZzZzZzZzZzZz

It was actually during this time that I discovered my favourite time of the day - 5:30am. There's something very pure about it, I don't know, makes me feel good even if I've been up all night.

I have 4 assessments this week, 3 on Friday, so I'm thinking I'm in deep. Thursday is going to be awesome. Poor Iago.